Ekaprilia Nur Shabrina/180410150023
I don’t know if I remember this clearly but I think I can tell you about what happened back when I was 12 or 13 roughly. Many things happened back then so I only remember a little bit about what happened. It was a really really beautiful day, at first; the sky was clear blue and the sun decided to shine a little bit more, burned my skin and left it red and hurt when I was on my way back home. Oh! I was just graduated from junior high school, I remember it. I felt so happy because finally, no school for a few weeks. I imagined I could go to swimming pool in the morning everyday. At first my friends and I were gonna hang out somewhere but I swear it was too hot that day to even go outside so I just went straight to home. My body felt funny at that time, you know, because I didn’t sleep well the night before and I kind of had bad cold so I kept myself in my room, wrapped in blanket and sweater and tried to sleep even with one of my nostril was blocked and the other one was runny.
Everything was fine until Ma knocked at my door, face full with tears and panicking. I was still half asleep when I opened the door and tried to process what she said; something happened and Grandma just fainted. She yelled at me because I stayed in my room and didn’t go downstairs after I got home. I was still dizzy to process everything and she just dragged me downstairs. There, Grandma in her room, unconscious. Ma told me she had been fainted for three hours, so I assumed I had fell asleep for that long. I didn’t know what happened next. It was all blurry, I think Ma took her to hospital but I can’t remember with who because my parents were at work. It was blurry. The beautiful day had turned into a stormy day, at least for me.
I remember I was all alone at home, my parents went to hospital and stayed with Ma. But I also remember my nephews were at home, but I still assumed I was alone until the rest of my family; aunts and uncles, come. I still felt I was alone. I felt like they were strangers that crashing into someone’s house just to sleep. My cold also was getting worse, I bet there was a desert inside my throat; so dry. Midnight came, and I swear I could hear another relatives came. Home was crowded that night. For a moment, I forgot about what happened to Grandma. All I could think about that time was how I got good enough sleep with so many people being noisy downstairs. I remember Mom called but I can’t remember when, she gave me information about Grandma’s current situation; her condition was critical. I felt both relieved because finally someone gave me an information and also panicked because I knew she was gonna leave me, forever. I knew she was dying. Before I knew, I started crying until my nephews came to my room asking if I was okay. That was very sweet of them but still, I couldn’t control my emotion. I yelled at them, told them to leave me alone. I was so rude, I know.
Next, I didn’t remember what happened. I think I fell asleep because I remember the next day my aunt made me a poridge for breakfast. We had a good chit chat about school,but then she told me if God decided to take Grandma’s life away I have to be strong because she would be no longer in pain, she would watch us from above, and she would reunite with Grandpa. I just nodded and starred into my bowl. Then it finally hit me; what if Grandma really leave this world, forever? A call from my dad woke me up from the deep thought. Even before he finished what he said, I started wailing and crying on the floor. I never thought it would be that fast. Just a second ago I was still thinking about it and the next second I was faced with the reality. Grandma had passed away and the question was left unanswered.
I kept crying until the ambulance that took my Grandma came. Mom, Ma, and Dad were inside. I remember I couldn’t see Grandma, who was covered in kaffan, in living room. My angel, lying there, just body without soul. Mom said she was smiling in her sleep. Then all the memories I have with her flashed before my eyes, I couldn’t take it. I broke down in tears again when all relatives came gathering around Grandma. And I was just there, standing doorway of her room with my aunt supporting me. I never fell such sadness in my life. Once I got really sad because I lost my favourite blanket. Grandma thought it was so dirty and the fabric was worn out and she decided to throw it into the bin. But then, I got a new blanket. It was different but she told me it was also the same thing. It still feels different; losing someone you love and losing the thing you love.
At her funeral. I managed not to cry when I attended the funeral. So many people came, it was crowded. But I cried again when Grandma were not in my sight anymore. I remember I almost passed out but someones beside and behind me, hold me so I kept standing. I starred at her tomb with her name on it, wet soil, flowers, and people. I refused to believe that she really left me. I searched for her at home, but she wasn’t there. She left me.
Let me tell you about Grandma. I lived with her ever since I was born because both my parents were busy with their work. She raised me with Ma and my other uncles. She put up so much with me because I was such a rebel when I was a kid. But she loved me. What made my heart hurt so bad was back then when I was child, every time I got upset or angry without any reason, I would pinch her so hard until it left bruises on her skin or hit her. But she loved me. Every time I broke down into crying fit, even with me kicking and punching, she just hugged me and murmured sweet nothings into my ear. She loved me. After all that, she would make me a bowl of hot noodle to comfort me and a baby bottle of warm tea (I use baby bottle until I was 7. I know this is embarassing but I don’t care). Even when I was stressed because of school things and decided to blare Avenged Sevenfold on full volume, she didn’t scold me. She knew I like that kind of bands and let me play them even if she didn’ like it. Also I slept with her until I was 11. Every time she hold me in her arm, her scent was comforting me. It smelled like home, like where I belong. I didn’t want her to leave me. I remember the last thing she said to me before all this was she couldn’t be there for me any longer. I hate how she kept her word, she really left me…
Migrain came to me because I think I cried so hard alot at that time. I kept crying myself to sleep (or not) for 2 days and my head felt so heavy. Mom took me to doctor eventually. They prescribed me some sleeping pills so that I can rest and stop crying. And yeah, I also felt tired from crying nonstop and I admitted that I need a really good sleep. I remember I was still in sorrow but for the next few days were also blurry, I can’t remember what happpened.
I’ve ever hit a point in life where I felt like I can’t continue my life because I lost someone I love the most. But Mom told me that life must go on, you can’t use losing someone you love for the reason not to continue your life. I let her words absorbed into my mind. I thought about it seriously. Even sometimes I still feel sad, and crying because I miss her, Mom’s words are ringing inside my head. They are my reminder, and will always be. Sometimes I can still feel her present at home. Whether be it in the kitchen, her room, living room. Her warmth is still lingering in this house. Mom also feels the same way. She told me sometimes Grandma visits in her dream but not mine. I want to see her in person and say I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I want to see her face, smiling, like what Mom told me when she passed away.
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