Final Writing: The Wall (Non-Fiction)

Dinia Sofia / 180410150018

4th February 2016.

It’s the day that I went to Dufan together with my community friends to celebrate the end the long holiday. I felt very happy because I could spend my last few weeks of holiday with my friends, including him.

Basically my life is just as cool as the summer breeze, nothing too depressing or too exciting before he came into my life. We were just someone who went to the same middle school and coincidently went to the same university. We never spoke before, we just said our hello. At first, I felt bad for him. He seems to be the kind of person who’s quiet and can’t really get along with anyone easily. So I thought, I should accompany him a little during those two events, because of the basis that we are from the same middle school, so I thought he could feel assured with me. So he did.

We never talk before, but everything changes when we went to Dufan. He showed me the other side of him, unexpectedly he gave me something I want all this time but never seem to think about wanting it badly.

He showed me that he cares for me; he held me like there’s no one around. He wanted to get to know me more. He wanted to take me to Trans Studio Bandung (because I never went there before); he asked me if I could keep his allowance so that he won’t spend it lavishly; he even asked me if I could meet his mother. He was like a prince in a white horse and shining armor.

I’m the type of person who is picky with any guys that tries to approach me. I always gave cold replies to them, but surprisingly not to him. Maybe it’s because the way he approaches me was different than anyone else, or maybe because I knew him, or maybe something else. He made me want to stop playing around with other guys and start to find something serious. He made me fell in love with him. He gave me something that no one has ever given to me: extra attention, the kind of attention that requires action and not just sweet words.

We shocked all of our friends. They thought that we had something way back before we went to Dufan. But little do they know, how can we be so close when I just started added his Line account in Dufan? They didn’t know that we never chatted before outside the community.

After Dufan, we got really close. He even went to Nangor to accompany me “Perwalian”. He made a surprise for me during my birthday. He sent me a cartoon drawing of us sitting and looking at the birthday cake right after he said goodbye and jumped out of my friend’s fences at 12 A.M.. Later that day in the afternoon, he unexpectedly went to my dorm and stand outside my door with cupcakes and candles.

He was sweet at first. He would go to me straight away when I told him it’s too late for me to go home by myself. He occasionally asked me to go out and have dinner with him and we would chat during dinner. Usually I’d be just sitting there and listen to what he would say. But one day, he asked me something that made me think 24/7; he asked me to take turns on telling our days. I think he felt like it’s always him that talks. His words made me think. Maybe he was right, I was caught up in the idea that it was okay for me to just listen to him and agrees to everything he had said. I was wrong.

After he said that to me, I was determined to tell him about what I had felt when I am with him, about how I wanted to start to talk about him with my parents, and started little by little tells him about my secrets. But back then I didn’t know that that was the last time I would go out and have dinner with him.

After that day, I felt like he was different. He never asked my day anymore, he never asked me to go out with him anymore, and he replied my text really late without even explaining why. I felt angry because of that, so one day I thought about giving him his medicine. But it only back fires me.

I thought that if I give him the same thing he gave me, he would reflect and made up with me. But I was so wrong. It gave him the opportunity to actually leave me for good. When I left him hanging with just reading his message, he didn’t look for me for days. I felt betrayed. I was supposed to be the one that is mad, but why does this person thought that it was okay for him to not contact me at all? He made me furious and sad at the same time. There is not a single day I wouldn’t feel blue and think about what I had done wrong to make him do this. I thought that I could hide it very well from other people, but I was also wrong.

All of my friends started to notice that I became different. They asked me what was wrong, and that is when I started to break down. I told them what happened, and they were as confused as I am. Ultimately, I asked two of my friends to help me out and asked him what he was up to. Why he left me hanging. And so they did.

I finally had the courage to ask him why. So he explained, but I felt even sadder when he had explained to me what his reason was. He told me he was sorry that he could no longer be with me. He felt that he was not ready to go even further with me; on top of that his recent ex-girlfriend of one year came back to him. He said that he doesn’t want to be with anyone at the moment.

I asked for an explanation and I got one. But I was till not satisfied with his explanation, I still hope for a better ending. I was hoping that we could go back to the way things were, just like in Dufan. But I’ve realized that you cannot always get what you want. So with that, the story of me and Hayden ended.

For days, weeks, months, I felt hurt; like a piece of me had crushed, a piece of me was missing. I cried myself out every night; didn’t feel like eating or even talking with anyone. I felt like I could no longer trust any guy. That is when I felt like the need to build a strong wall surrounding my heart, so that I could no longer get hurt over heartbreak.

The wall.

For me, this wall I had built is a barrier between me and any guy that tries to come close to my heart. Before I met Hayden, I also had that wall, but not as strong as this wall I built right after he said he can no longer be with me. I immediately built those walls and kept my distance, starting with him. I hide my true feelings, I tried to be okay by building those walls, but even I cannot lie to myself. At that time I felt numb, I don’t want to know what the feeling of being loved by someone anymore is. I don’t want to take any guy seriously; I wanted to go back to being the player I used to be, teasing guys without thinking of going further.

But even though I have said that our story ended; even though I’ve said that I had built a wall especially form him, for months I still hope that maybe there could still be “us”. Even though I knew he lied about not wanting to be with anyone right now, I saw that eventually he went back to his ex. Never do I have realized until that moment that I was just another girl that temporarily filled his empty broken heart. I never thought of our relationship thoroughly. Then I had promised myself, for every guy that ever tried to approach me, I won’t take it seriously. So I did kept my promise, for quite a few months, that is until Al came into my life and stirred me up.

He was one of my friends, the kind of friend that always teased each other. So never in my life I had ever felt the need to take him seriously; and the side of him that is so friendly with every one and even girls made me not wanting to think anything other than “just friends”. But like I said, he stirred me up; giving me mixed emotions, he had given me something that I think that no other normal “friends” gave to me: which was his extra time and attention, and it was something I never asked him for.

You see, he studied economics, which is in Dipatiukur; and I am in Jatinangor. But the thing is, he occasionally asked me to come and hang out with him in Bandung; but then I just replied him with a “no too lazy”. Why should I go to Bandung just to meet him? We’re not that close, and like I said before; I had built a wall so that any guy can’t come closer to my heart. I think he grew tired of waiting for me to say yes, so occasionally he went to Nangor and asked me to accompany him doing something, and so it’ll looked like he did not come to Nangor just for me. Eventually my close friend said that it was all just an excuse, he intentionally asked for something to do in Nangor from his “Hima” so that he could see me. So instead of me going to Bandung, it was always him going to Nangor. Until one day I felt bad for always saying no, but I still felt like I don’t know what were his attentions were back then.

You see. In my book, if a guy and a girl are close for more than just friends, but are not dating, they should contact each other daily. However, Al treated me like I’m his girl one day and his homey the next. He’ll be texting me like I’m only his friend. He didn’t text me daily, but he only texted me when he felt like he wanted to chat with me. But when we meet up, he treated me like I’m his girlfriend. He holds my hand, gets mad if I’m in my phone and not looking at him; cranky if I declined his offer to take me back to my dorm; jealous if I’m talking about other guys. The thing is, every time I had “accompanied” him in Nangor, he wouldn’t text me for days and suddenly texted me like nothing had happened.

The kind of feeling that he gave me, those mixed up feelings made my mind confused on figuring out what were his attentions were and it actually made me missed having him around. So with that I tried to break those walls of mine little by little. One day, he asked me again to come to Bandung, and I finally agreed.

It’s finally the day that I had agreed to go to Bandung to. I felt nervous because it was the first time I went to Bandung all by myself and not because I wanted to, because I was going to meet a guy.

I AM GOING TO BANDUNG JUST FOR A GUY THAT I’M NOT EVEN SURE OF!!

We decided that I should left Nangor at 12.00 p.m., but I felt like I shouldn’t be leaving before he asked me again if I’m already on the way or not. So he finally texted me at 1.30 p.m. and then I left. We didn’t text when I was on the bus, but I texted him when I was already near Dipatiukur. But he didn’t reply my texts, he didn’t answer all of my calls, and I started to feel upset.

Even when I had arrived in Dipatiukur he didn’t reply my texts or even answer all of my calls. For two hours I waited for him, TWO FREAKING HOURS. I got very upset so I went to PVJ all by myself. There’s a lot of traffic jams because it was Sunday, and it made me think about all of my decisions. Why did I agreed to go to Bandung? What if he was fooling me around? What if he was with another girl right now?

And so I arrived at PVJ two hours later. I’ve looked around for quite a while and finally at 7 p.m,. Al texted me saying that he overslept. Even though he finally bomb chatted me for like 100 times saying he’s sorry and asking me where I was, I still felt very upset. He didn’t know how much courage for me to go to Bandung for him and he overslept?

So after 200 chats and a gazillion missed calls, I sent him a picture of where I was without telling him where I was, and few moments later he arrived in PVJ. He finally found me in H&M and hugged me from the back. I was shock and shy because everyone stared at us, so I tried to pull out of the hug and after a few minutes I finally broke free. He apologizes for overslept, but I kept my silence and just raised my eyebrow. He apologized again and again but I didn’t answer him. Even when we ate, I kept laughing at something on my phone; even when we arrived at my dorm, I stormed off went inside my dorm.

For days, I didn’t text him and so did he. I think he got frustrated so the next week he went to Nangor to find me in my friend’s dorm and apologizes one more time. He told me he can’t sleep all night long, he can’t think, he can’t study all because of we didn’t made up. He didn’t want to lose me, and he said something that calmed me down; he knew my past with Hayden and assured me that he is not Hayden; he won’t go away without any notice, he won’t have any other girl, he will always have time for me. I was happy to hear that. So when he asked for us to make up and for me to be his, I finally said okay. My walls started to crumble brick by brick, and for the first time in a while I can finally say that I am happy.

Word Count: 2.492

#Creative Writing, #Scribere2017 #FinalWriting

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