Final Writing: The Last Color (Fiction)

Kinanti Fitri Febriani/ 180410150013

As though living in a prison. Her life always got ordered around, foods and clothes that’ll never changed, needles and drugs that always beside her became her ‘loyal friend’ in that prison, and not to forget there were people dress in all whites that always passing through her bedroom. Still, there were some convenient to this prison, in her room there’s a comfy bed, a clean bathroom, and also TV. That prison is what we called a hospital.

I spent all my life in in this prison-like place…I don’t know what life outside this place is. I don’t know what ‘reality’ is…even though I lived inside it.” She thought to herself while strolling through the corridor. “it seem that it’ll never change…that’s kind of like living no life at all. Hmm…that’s sucks.”

All of a sudden, she heard someone scream. Immediately she went to where the scream was. She peeped through the door and saw people arguing.

“Hey, young man! You can’t smoke inside a hospital! There are sick people here!” an old man scolded someone.

“Oh, it’s that guy from yesterday…” Sera whispered.

Without saying anything, the guy smoked his cigarette ignoring what the people around him were saying. But suddenly, a hand came flying in front of his face, smacking him on the face and his cigarette as well the full pack got stolen. Confused he only saw the figure escaped outside the room.

“OY!” The guy shouted.

“I’m taking this on revenge for destroying my vas yesterday!” Sera shouted from outside the room.

“Wha—who is she?!”

*

When midnight came, Sera went out of her room and strolled down the hall. The hall at night was quiet than in the day. There’s only the sound of clock ticking and her own footsteps. When Sera arrived at the room that the guy stayed, she tiptoed inside. She saw the guy was only looking at the ceiling, so she crept to the left side of the guy’s bed. And when he changed his position, he was surprised.

“YOU!”

“Hold up, hold up! Sshh, be quite…everyone’s already asleep.” Sera silent the guy.

“What are you doing here?” asked the guy. “Children should be in bed by now. “

Sera’s ignored what the guy’s said and grabbed her pocket, pulling out the cigarette box that she stole from the guy. While swinging the box with her hand, her eyes sparkled with curiosity.

“Teach me how to smoke! “

Without any further talking, the guy pulled out a cigarette and a lighter from the drawer beside his bed. He put it in his mouth and began to light it. Sera was watching him very seriously. When the cigarette light up, he started to smoke and exhaled it exactly in front of Sera’s face that made her coughing bad.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you want this. Smoking is really bad for you and your lungs. It will turned it pitch black, you know that?“

“So, why do you? Aren’t you here because of this? You got sick because of it right?”

The guy stayed silent again for a moment. “I smoked when I want to.”

“There’ll be no change whatsoever to my life, anyway…”

“Whether it will turns black or something, my ‘condition’ will never change…” Sera added.

They stayed in silent for a while, until the guy gave the courage to ask her why did she said that. For the first time, Sera’s willing to tell someone that she’s going to die. What illness that she had and how much time she had. Sera had an illness called a Cardiac Sarcoma or a heart tumor. It’s a rare kind of tumor. As well as, she could only wait for her time to run out.

Silent covered up the whole room, neither spoke a word.

“Hey, what do you wanna do before you ‘leave’?”

Hearing that Sera remembered her to-do list. She smiled to the guy and whispered that she wanted to see the ocean. Amazed by her, the guy laughed because it sounded so cliché. Not minding his words, she laughed along with him and she continued to tell her to-do list. Such as, she wanted to ride an open car, she wanted to fall in love and had her first kiss, and others

The guy smiled and pulled Sera’s hand firmly. He looked straight into her eyes.

“How about we make some of it come true?” Asked the guy while he stand up. “Then, let’s go!”

“Huh? Go where?” She let her hand go from his grip. She’s confused.

“Where? The sea, of course! You wanna see it, right?”

“I can’t go, that’s impossible! I’m sick. My doctor and parents wouldn’t let me.” Sera clenched her hands. Her heart was beating so fast, she wanted to go so bad, but in the same time she’s scared. The guy only looked at her flat.

“So? You’re just sick and you’re still alive. When you die, can you move? Can you walk? No. But, if you’re sick, like now. You still can move, right? You can walk. Use your chances while you can. As simple as that.” Still looking at her straight in the eyes. “For your whole life, you’re here. Aren’t you tired? You don’t want to see the world?”

Like she was slapped by those words. It was her thought all along that she wanted to leave the hospital and see the world. She clenched her hands tighter as she made up her mind, she nodded. With relieved the guy smiled and pulled her again outside the place.

*

“What do you think heaven look like? “ Sera stared off looking to the sky. “Is it similar to the sky? With lots of blue and clouds? Or something else”

“Either would be nice…”

Sera could feel the wind breeze stroking her cheeks. Morning came and they already half way to the sea riding an open car. Sera closed her eyes and could still see the light, feeling the wind and the smell of fresh air running through her face. She raised her hand high, while tickling her hand, she felt the wind through her fingers.

“Hey”

Sera opened her eyes and looked at the guy beside him.

“Grey.”

“Hm??”

“Grey…that’s my name.”

For a moment, Sera was confused but she realized that she never did told him her name. “Ah…mine’s Sera.”

They laughed at each other. Along the way they’re exchanging stories. When noon came, they’re planning to grab some food and fuel.

“Grey, is this you car?” asked Sera wondering from the start.

Grey looked at her and grinned. “Nope, not mine.”

“What?! Then, whose car is it?”

“I dunno, I just borrowed it from the hospital.”

“That’s not ‘borrowing’…that’s stealing. What do we do? What if the police find out? What if we’re going to jail?” Sera started panicking. But, Grey only laughed.

“Gee, relax! Beside we don’t have much time, you want to see it before everything disappears, right?”

Sera didn’t gave a respond, she’s pouting. She knew from the start that Grey was that worst kind of a guy, that’ll do as he pleased. But, the last word he said was true. They started to enter the big city and decided to take a detour.

Grey stopped the car at a gas station, he started to fill the tank while he went to the restroom to take his meds. When he went back to Sera, the girl’s panicking because the employee asked for the money. So, Grey lied that he said he forgot his wallet, but the employee got suspicious and said that he would call the police. Sera started to rummage the car and she found a gun. She pointed it out to Grey and asked him what it is. He thought an idea to point it to the employee and to steal some money from the cashier. And he did.

They continued their journey. But, Sera was angry because of what Grey did.

“I don’t have a choice, it’s a necessary sacrifices if we’re going to the sea.” Grey said to break their tension.

After that, they went into a fashion store. Sera and Grey went around to see something that looks good on them. After they’ve finished shopping, Sera saw that Grey used the money that he stole to pay the clothes. Later, they walk to find a place to stay.

When they nearly at the hotel, Grey collapsed with uncontrolled breathing. Sera’s panicked and she’s stuttering not knowing what to do. But, Grey grabbed a tube from his pockets containing pills and immediately eat some. Slowly, his breathing returned normal. Afterwards, they went to the hotel. Grey returned to his usual self, but Sera’s not. The she gave the courage to ask him.

“Grey, why are you will to do all this?” She wondered that is it for her or for he himself.

He didn’t answer, only looking back at Sera.

“Hey, are you liste—“

“I’m the same as you…” Grey said cutting off Sera’s.

“I’m going to die soon…cause I have brain tumor.” He added.” Even the doctor said that the only thing I gotta do is just to wait…”

“I understand! I want us both to go there, no matter what. I want our freedom to come. And the only thing I know now is that me and you, we’re both still breathing, even tomorrow we’ll live!” Sera said after to break the silent, hugging him.

“And…I also understand that I wanted to go to the ocean with you, Grey.”

Grey smiled and hugged the girl back. “Yeah…me too."

*

Sera slowly opened her eyes, the ceiling of the room that she stayed at was the first thing she saw. Then, she sat up to find Grey besides her still sleeping. She grabbed a remote on the mini table on her left and turned on the TV. When the TV’s on, the first thing she saw was Grey’s picture and hers, the police were on to them. Grey woke up after heard that his named was on the news.

“We really have to get out of here, fast!”

After they’re done preparing, they immediately ran as fast as they can.

“Oh god, the police are chasing us!” Sera said when they got into their car. “I bet my parents called them.”

“And probably because of what I did yesterday.” Grey added.

They looked at each other as always and laughed their hearts out. They’ve never felt like that before in their entire life. What could be better, they stole a car, pointed a gun at someone, robbed a cashier, the police were chasing them and they got out from the place safe and sound.

Hours passed after that, they’d arrived at some leftover from a festival, with lots of trash, there’s still some tent, amusement games and a stage. They got off to take a detour again, because they’re already near the ocean. Grey held Sera’s hand and asked her to follow him to near the stage. Then, he stand in front of the stage facing Sera.

“Hey, Did I told you what I want before I ‘leave’ this world?”

Sera shakes her head.

“I…really want to be a traveler! You know, going around to different places.” He shouted. Seeing that Sera smiled, but she saw that Grey wasn’t smiling.

“But…what did I get?” He said with his head looking down.” This illness…that gnawing my life away.” He added, before his body collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

Sera’s smile faded in a flash when she saw Grey collapsed. She ran to him. She’s shaking him and calling his name, but there’re no answer. She called over and over but still no answer. Sera cried, trying to find someone there but there’s no one. Then, she remembered the pills Grey took yesterday. She rummaged Grey’s pockets, only to find that the pills ran out. Without any more thought, she ran to find a drug store.

After finding one, she immediately asked the employee about the pills. Even though, the employee said that they had it, the employee couldn’t gave it to Sera. Because, the pills is a strong kind of drugs that weren’t used for easily. Sera begged, but he still wouldn’t agree. So, again without thinking, Sera pulled out the gun that she brought with her and pointed it out to the employee. But, with her panicking and all, she accidently pulled the trigger.

*

Sera went back to Grey, she’s out of breath. She made him drank the pills.

“Please…please, wake up.” She started to cry, hugging Grey that didn’t moved even an inch in her arms. “I’m begging you, open your eyes.”

“GREY! OPEN YOUR EYES!”

Grey’s finger moved a bit and he regained his consciousness. His vision went back and slowly he saw that the person whose voice he heard was in front of him. Sera felt relieved to see that Grey regained conscious. But again, tears fell from the guy’s eyes.

“I’m scared. I’m really scared…I don’t want to die!” As he hugged Sera tightly, he’s starting to get terrified of dying. Sera cried with him, she couldn’t say anything other than returning the hug and lending Grey her shoulder. Because, she never experienced what he had. And for the first time, Sera thought that she wanted to live. For the both of them, there’s only ‘this moment’.

*

The radio in the car informed that there had been a gunfire, but there were no victim. Sera and Grey continued they journey to the sea.

“The gunfire…is it you?” Grey asked.

“I-I just wanted to help you…I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s fine…and thank you.” Grey said while petting Sera’s head. “Before reaching our destination. I won’t die.” He said firmly. Sera only answered with a weak nod.

*

“It smells like…the sea!” Sera shouted and looked at Grey, and he smiled.

They walked towards it and Grey stumbled a little. Sera got worried when she saw the guy behind her was on his knees.

“I really am afraid…I don’t want to die.” He said like he’s in a lot of pain. Suddenly, he felt a hug and a peck on his right cheek. When their eyes met, they laughed. He was quiet surprised.

“There’s nothing to be afraid anymore, huh…” Grey bends his body and kissed Sera, making the girl’s face red, seeing that he laughed again. Then, they continued to play in the sand. The sun was going down, feeling tired the both of them sat beside each other while holding hand.

“Amazing…the world turn to an orange color.” Sera said laughing.

When Grey drank some water, his hand couldn’t move and his vision suddenly went black. His head slowly fell to Sera’s shoulder. Seeing Grey, Sera’s tears poured down. She knew that the guy beside her already went ahead ‘leaving’ her. Still, her tears won’t stop and her grip tighten around his hand. But then, she smiled because she knew too that soon she’ll follow him.

Words count: 2500 words

Reference(s) :

1. Based on the Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door (1997 Film) – it has the same goal. (to see the sea)

2. Retrieved from http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/cardiovascular_diseases/cardiac_sarcoma_85,P00240/

Final Writing: The Hardest Year of my Life (Non-Fiction)

Hana Rahmawati/180410150003

January 2015

"Teh, in the neck of the mother there is a lump." Mother said while pressing a small lump around her neck.

"Where is the lump? Is it hurt? "

"On the left. It doesn’t hurt but mother is afraid, mother wants to check it to the doctor. "

"Tomorrow, mom should check it to the doctor. Don’t press the lump mom, I am scared that’s not usual lump. "

The next day, my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can’t detect what the disease is because the lump is small size. When the doctor checked it, the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain. The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth, whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy. Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor’s explanation, we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital, and her molar teeth revoked, after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth. It was so strange, so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth. Then, the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy. A few days later, my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection. When she arrived home after from the hospital, my mother instantly limp. Which made me want to cry, I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities. Mom could not talk, she just cried. Then I tried to ask her,

"Mom, what happened?" My sister and I asked her while holding her hand.

"hhh..hurt," she replied less clearly.

"Oh sorry mom sorry, you better sleep and rest."

Mother just shook her head slowly. Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth. My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do, we can’t bear to see her situation. We only sit beside our mother. Then I went to the next room, I saw my father was daydreaming. Maybe he can’t bear to see the mother with such circumstances, visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears. Honestly, my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen.

July 2015

At that time, it has been known what illness my mother was suffering. I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer. Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck. At that time, the mother’s appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed. No intake of food that causes her body weakened. At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung. The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food, and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape. The doctor said it’s one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer. Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note, maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously.

August 2015

This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable. Because I have to leave my family. At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran. I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line. But I’m afraid I still can’t rely on my sister who is still in junior high school. Without me, she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school. Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother’s medical expenses. My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother’s expensive medical expenses. Fortunately, at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father’s brother.

When I went to Jatinangor, I was picked up by my friend. I left with my two friends escorted by her parents. When they picked me up after saying good-bye to my mother, one of my friends asked me,

"Na, what happened with your mother? Her body was very thin, her face was pale not as usual. "

"My mother is sick, Lina."

"HAH? What was your mother’s illness? Said my friend and my friend’s parents.

"Cancer" I replied briefly, I was afraid to cry.

Everyone fell silent and sobbing.

"It’s okay, I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God." "Aamiin" they said in unison. And then my friends hug me.

October 2015

Ever since I lived in Jatinangor, I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital. I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother. Our plan, my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta. But my mother’s circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey. While waiting for my mother’s rather strong state, my mother was taken care of at my grandmother’s house. All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother’s house, the mother of my father. Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother. After a week at my grandmother’s house, my mother’s body had shown good health. However, all of a sudden, mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah’s house. I already had a bad feeling at the time. But my dad thinks maybe mbah regrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her. Because mbah is always vicious to my mother, although she is her biological mother.

It turns out after a few days at mbah’s home, do not know why mom never want to eat, his body condition deteriorated. My mother’s family blamed my father, saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father. I do not know what else to do. Actually, I’m disgusted with them. From childhood, I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason. My mother always cried hugging me. I do not understand what’s on her minds, my good mother is always wrong in her eyes. But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah. Fortunately, as a child, my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather, the parents of her biological father. Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather, her mother and her four siblings do not care about it.

October, 2015

As always, I go back to Majalengka once a week. In late October, my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital. It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation. I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained, her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek, the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor, from the hole neck always out blood. My God, my feeling tells me that my mother’s age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal. I always hold back tears when I was with her all day. I’m afraid my mom is sad to see me crying. I always wait when maghrib time arrives, because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother. After the maghrib prayer, I can complain to God all my complaints.

It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother. Then they hugged her and held her hand. The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all. I ventured to talk to my mom. "Mom, this is de Hilmi and teh Nida, they said they missed you so much." Mom opened her eyes and smiled. My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us. Then mom said less clearly and stammered. "Teh, please take care of your siblings. Your college hopefully running smoothly. Mom is okay, mom already does not feel pain just don’t have to think about me. Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana." The three of us cry and continue to cry. "Please don’t talk like that mom, it makes teh Nida so sad, you must be sure you will recover." Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother’s hand. Actually, my mother’s body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand. My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients.

When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother’s words. He said that he didn’t feel any pain anymore. All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near. What if my mother really went away, I was scared. But I always try to strengthen myself, I must be sincere with the will of God. I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens.

November 2015

It was 6 o’clock on the morning of November 13, I had not yet woken up from my sleep because of the night I slept late to do the work and suddenly my roommate woke me because my dad called. With still semi-consciousness I lifted him.

"Teh, come home fast!" Said my father quickly.

My eyes widened in shock.

"What’s wrong, dad?" My feeling pointed directly at my mother.

"The doctor has told me to bring mom to go home immediately, he said if it is better to be directly taken care of at home."

I take a slow breath, immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready. With tears, I said goodbye to my friend. He hugged me and said, "It’s okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God’s will. You have to be strong. " I just nodded and smiled at her.

At about 9 am I arrived home, we immediately went to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital, I went straight to where place my mother. There’s also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother. I held my mother’s hand, I cried to see the situation. Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious.

"Mom, forgive me," I say softly.

When I say like that, my mother’s sister says "Hey where have you been?."

"I have college, I go home once a week."

"Halaahhh," she said, pouting me.

Really I was very emotional at the time. My family relationship was never good with my mother’s family. Since my mother was sick, they always told me to quit college. My mother told me not to be affected by them. They never help us in spite of the slightest effort. Suddenly they come and say things like that. I do not think it’s worth it. I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered. Usually, I can be patient and cry clandestinely, but for some reason, at that time I dare to against them. The people in the hospital saw us. I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration. My father already knew what made me cry, he just wiped my head. Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature. Then the doctor calmed me down, "Do not cry neng, do not be served those like that. Later they will get the karma. " I nodded and remained crying. Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying. My dad, my sister and me are holding mom in the car. I will not let go of my mother’s hand.

"Mom," My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there. Along the way, we all said "Allah..Allah..Allah" so that my mother followed us. Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short. Arriving at home, my mother was laid by my father in bed. At that time my mother had time to speak but only said "Thirsty". We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there. The big family has gathered, we all say "Allah..Allah..Allah" my mother still followed us.

Suddenly my mother fell asleep, for some reason I always pay attention to her breath, The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop. About half past 1 pm my mother died, we still didn’t believe it. We were crying but not sobbing. We apologized in her ear. I immediately hugged my siblings. Fortunately, my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions, he was crying but still calm. I pity his age is still 8 years. I hugged him and said, "De Hilmi, do not cry it will make mothers sad. There is still teh Hana, teh Nida and dad. A boy must be strong. " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes. Then I took her out of the room. We all have sincerity with the mother’s departure. I’m sure God loves my mother very much. I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven.

Our family for many years has experienced many strenuous temptations come up. But the year 2015 is a very hard year for me and my family because we lost the figure we love so much, the figure is so patient and strong.

Word count: 2.488

Final Writing: The Hardest Year of my Life (Non-Fiction)

Hana Rahmawati/180410150003

January 2015

"Teh, in the neck of the mother there is a lump." Mother said while pressing a small lump around her neck.

"Where is the lump? Is it hurt? "

"On the left. It doesn’t hurt but mother is afraid, mother wants to check it to the doctor. "

"Tomorrow, mom should check it to the doctor. Don’t press the lump mom, I am scared that’s not usual lump. "

The next day, my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can’t detect what the disease is because the lump is small size. When the doctor checked it, the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain. The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth, whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy. Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor’s explanation, we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital, and her molar teeth revoked, after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth. It was so strange, so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth. Then, the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy. A few days later, my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection. When she arrived home after from the hospital, my mother instantly limp. Which made me want to cry, I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities. Mom could not talk, she just cried. Then I tried to ask her,

"Mom, what happened?" My sister and I asked her while holding her hand.

"hhh..hurt," she replied less clearly.

"Oh sorry mom sorry, you better sleep and rest."

Mother just shook her head slowly. Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth. My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do, we can’t bear to see her situation. We only sit beside our mother. Then I went to the next room, I saw my father was daydreaming. Maybe he can’t bear to see the mother with such circumstances, visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears. Honestly, my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen.

July 2015

At that time, it has been known what illness my mother was suffering. I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer. Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck. At that time, the mother’s appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed. No intake of food that causes her body weakened. At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung. The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food, and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape. The doctor said it’s one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer. Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note, maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously.

August 2015

This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable. Because I have to leave my family. At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran. I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line. But I’m afraid I still can’t rely on my sister who is still in junior high school. Without me, she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school. Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother’s medical expenses. My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother’s expensive medical expenses. Fortunately, at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father’s brother.

When I went to Jatinangor, I was picked up by my friend. I left with my two friends escorted by her parents. When they picked me up after saying good-bye to my mother, one of my friends asked me,

"Na, what happened with your mother? Her body was very thin, her face was pale not as usual. "

"My mother is sick, Lina."

"HAH? What was your mother’s illness? Said my friend and my friend’s parents.

"Cancer" I replied briefly, I was afraid to cry.

Everyone fell silent and sobbing.

"It’s okay, I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God." "Aamiin" they said in unison. And then my friends hug me.

October 2015

Ever since I lived in Jatinangor, I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital. I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother. Our plan, my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta. But my mother’s circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey. While waiting for my mother’s rather strong state, my mother was taken care of at my grandmother’s house. All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother’s house, the mother of my father. Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother. After a week at my grandmother’s house, my mother’s body had shown good health. However, all of a sudden, mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah’s house. I already had a bad feeling at the time. But my dad thinks maybe mbah regrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her. Because mbah is always vicious to my mother, although she is her biological mother.

It turns out after a few days at mbah’s home, do not know why mom never want to eat, his body condition deteriorated. My mother’s family blamed my father, saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father. I do not know what else to do. Actually, I’m disgusted with them. From childhood, I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason. My mother always cried hugging me. I do not understand what’s on her minds, my good mother is always wrong in her eyes. But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah. Fortunately, as a child, my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather, the parents of her biological father. Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather, her mother and her four siblings do not care about it.

October, 2015

As always, I go back to Majalengka once a week. In late October, my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital. It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation. I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained, her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek, the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor, from the hole neck always out blood. My God, my feeling tells me that my mother’s age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal. I always hold back tears when I was with her all day. I’m afraid my mom is sad to see me crying. I always wait when maghrib time arrives, because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother. After the maghrib prayer, I can complain to God all my complaints.

It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother. Then they hugged her and held her hand. The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all. I ventured to talk to my mom. "Mom, this is de Hilmi and teh Nida, they said they missed you so much." Mom opened her eyes and smiled. My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us. Then mom said less clearly and stammered. "Teh, please take care of your siblings. Your college hopefully running smoothly. Mom is okay, mom already does not feel pain just don’t have to think about me. Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana." The three of us cry and continue to cry. "Please don’t talk like that mom, it makes teh Nida so sad, you must be sure you will recover." Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother’s hand. Actually, my mother’s body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand. My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients.

When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother’s words. He said that he didn’t feel any pain anymore. All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near. What if my mother really went away, I was scared. But I always try to strengthen myself, I must be sincere with the will of God. I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens.

November 2015

It was 6 o’clock on the morning of November 13, I had not yet woken up from my sleep because of the night I slept late to do the work and suddenly my roommate woke me because my dad called. With still semi-consciousness I lifted him.

"Teh, come home fast!" Said my father quickly.

My eyes widened in shock.

"What’s wrong, dad?" My feeling pointed directly at my mother.

"The doctor has told me to bring mom to go home immediately, he said if it is better to be directly taken care of at home."

I take a slow breath, immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready. With tears, I said goodbye to my friend. He hugged me and said, "It’s okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God’s will. You have to be strong. " I just nodded and smiled at her.

At about 9 am I arrived home, we immediately went to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital, I went straight to where place my mother. There’s also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother. I held my mother’s hand, I cried to see the situation. Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious.

"Mom, forgive me," I say softly.

When I say like that, my mother’s sister says "Hey where have you been?."

"I have college, I go home once a week."

"Halaahhh," she said, pouting me.

Really I was very emotional at the time. My family relationship was never good with my mother’s family. Since my mother was sick, they always told me to quit college. My mother told me not to be affected by them. They never help us in spite of the slightest effort. Suddenly they come and say things like that. I do not think it’s worth it. I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered. Usually, I can be patient and cry clandestinely, but for some reason, at that time I dare to against them. The people in the hospital saw us. I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration. My father already knew what made me cry, he just wiped my head. Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature. Then the doctor calmed me down, "Do not cry neng, do not be served those like that. Later they will get the karma. " I nodded and remained crying. Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying. My dad, my sister and me are holding mom in the car. I will not let go of my mother’s hand.

"Mom," My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there. Along the way, we all said "Allah..Allah..Allah" so that my mother followed us. Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short. Arriving at home, my mother was laid by my father in bed. At that time my mother had time to speak but only said "Thirsty". We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there. The big family has gathered, we all say "Allah..Allah..Allah" my mother still followed us.

Suddenly my mother fell asleep, for some reason I always pay attention to her breath, The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop. About half past 1 pm my mother died, we still didn’t believe it. We were crying but not sobbing. We apologized in her ear. I immediately hugged my siblings. Fortunately, my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions, he was crying but still calm. I pity his age is still 8 years. I hugged him and said, "De Hilmi, do not cry it will make mothers sad. There is still teh Hana, teh Nida and dad. A boy must be strong. " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes. Then I took her out of the room. We all have sincerity with the mother’s departure. I’m sure God loves my mother very much. I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven.

Our family for many years has experienced many strenuous temptations come up. But the year 2015 is a very hard year for me and my family because we lost the figure we love so much, the figure is so patient and strong.

Word count: 2.488

Final Writing: The Hardest Year of my Life (Non-Fiction)

Hana Rahmawati/180410150003

January 2015

"Teh, in the neck of the mother there is a lump." Mother said while pressing a small lump around her neck.

"Where is the lump? Is it hurt? "

"On the left. It doesn’t hurt but mother is afraid, mother wants to check it to the doctor. "

"Tomorrow, mom should check it to the doctor. Don’t press the lump mom, I am scared that’s not usual lump. "

The next day, my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can’t detect what the disease is because the lump is small size. When the doctor checked it, the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain. The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth, whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy. Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor’s explanation, we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital, and her molar teeth revoked, after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth. It was so strange, so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth. Then, the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy. A few days later, my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection. When she arrived home after from the hospital, my mother instantly limp. Which made me want to cry, I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities. Mom could not talk, she just cried. Then I tried to ask her,

"Mom, what happened?" My sister and I asked her while holding her hand.

"hhh..hurt," she replied less clearly.

"Oh sorry mom sorry, you better sleep and rest."

Mother just shook her head slowly. Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth. My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do, we can’t bear to see her situation. We only sit beside our mother. Then I went to the next room, I saw my father was daydreaming. Maybe he can’t bear to see the mother with such circumstances, visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears. Honestly, my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen.

July 2015

At that time, it has been known what illness my mother was suffering. I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer. Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck. At that time, the mother’s appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed. No intake of food that causes her body weakened. At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung. The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food, and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape. The doctor said it’s one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer. Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note, maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously.

August 2015

This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable. Because I have to leave my family. At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran. I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line. But I’m afraid I still can’t rely on my sister who is still in junior high school. Without me, she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school. Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother’s medical expenses. My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother’s expensivemedical expenses. Fortunately, at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father’s brother.

When I went to Jatinangor, I was picked up by my friend. I left with my two friends escorted by her parents. When they picked me up after saying good-bye to my mother, one of my friends asked me,

"Na, what happened with your mother? Her body was very thin, her face was pale not as usual. "

"My mother is sick, Lina."

"HAH? What was your mother’s illness? Said my friend and my friend’s parents.

"Cancer" I replied briefly, I was afraid to cry.

Everyone fell silent and sobbing.

"It’s okay, I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God." "Aamiin" they said in unison. And then my friends hug me.

October 2015

Ever since I lived in Jatinangor, I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital. I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother. Our plan, my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta. But my mother’s circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey. While waiting for my mother’s rather strong state, my mother was taken care of at my grandmother’s house. All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother’s house, the mother of my father. Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother. After a week at my grandmother’s house, my mother’s body had shown good health. However, all of a sudden, mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah’s house. I already had a bad feeling at the time. But my dad thinks maybe mbahregrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her. Because mbah is always vicious to my mother, although she is her biological mother.

It turns out after a few days at mbah’s home, do not know why mom never want to eat, his body condition deteriorated. My mother’s family blamed my father, saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father. I do not know what else to do. Actually, I’m disgusted with them. From childhood, I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason. My mother always cried hugging me. I do not understand what’s on her minds, my good mother is always wrong in her eyes. But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah. Fortunately, as a child, my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather, the parents of her biological father. Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather, her mother and her four siblings do not care about it.

October, 2015

As always, I go back to Majalengka once a week. In late October, my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital. It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation. I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained, her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek, the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor, from the hole neck always out blood. My God, my feeling tells me that my mother’s age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal. I always hold back tears when I was with her all day. I’m afraid my mom is sad to see me crying. I always wait when maghrib time arrives, because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother. After the maghrib prayer, I can complain to God all my complaints.

It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother. Then they hugged her and held her hand. The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all. I ventured to talk to my mom. "Mom, this is de Hilmi and teh Nida, they said they missed you so much." Mom opened her eyes and smiled. My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us. Then mom said less clearly and stammered. "Teh, please take care of your siblings. Your college hopefully running smoothly. Mom is okay, mom already does not feel pain just don’t have to think about me. Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana." The three of us cry and continue to cry. "Please don’t talk like that mom, it makes teh Nida so sad, you must be sure you will recover." Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother’s hand. Actually, my mother’s body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand. My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients.

When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother’s words. He said that he didn’t feel any pain anymore. All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near. What if my mother really went away, I was scared. But I always try to strengthen myself, I must be sincere with the will of God. I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens.

November 2015

It was 6 o’clock on the morning of November 13, I had not yet woken up from my sleep because of the night I slept late to do the work and suddenly my roommate woke me because my dad called. With still semi-consciousness I lifted him.

"Teh, come home fast!" Said my father quickly.

My eyes widened in shock.

"What’s wrong, dad?" My feeling pointed directly at my mother.

"The doctor has told me to bring mom to go home immediately, he said if it is better to be directly taken care of at home."

I take a slow breath, immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready. With tears, I said goodbye to my friend. He hugged me and said, "It’s okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God’s will. You have to be strong. " I just nodded and smiled at her.

At about 9 am I arrived home, we immediately went to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital, I went straight to where place my mother. There’s also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother. I held my mother’s hand, I cried to see the situation. Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious.

"Mom, forgive me," I say softly.

When I say like that, my mother’s sister says "Hey where have you been?."

"I have college, I go home once a week."

"Halaahhh," she said, pouting me.

Really I was very emotional at the time. My family relationship was never good with my mother’s family. Since my mother was sick, they always told me to quit college. My mother told me not to be affected by them. They never help us in spite of the slightest effort. Suddenly they come and say things like that. I do not think it’s worth it. I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered. Usually, I can be patient and cry clandestinely, but for some reason, at that time I dare to against them. The people in the hospital saw us. I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration. My father already knew what made me cry, he just wiped my head. Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature. Then the doctor calmed me down, "Do not cry neng, do not be served those like that. Later they will get the karma. " I nodded and remained crying. Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying. My dad, my sister and me are holding mom in the car. I will not let go of my mother’s hand.

"Mom," My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there. Along the way, we all said "Allah..Allah..Allah" so that my mother followed us. Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short. Arriving at home, my mother was laid by my father in bed. At that time my mother had time to speak but only said "Thirsty". We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there. The big family has gathered, we all say "Allah..Allah..Allah" my mother still followed us.

Suddenly my mother fell asleep, for some reason I always pay attention to her breath, The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop. About half past 1 pm my mother died, we still didn’t believe it. We were crying but not sobbing. We apologized in her ear. I immediately hugged my siblings. Fortunately, my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions, he was crying but still calm. I pity his age is still 8 years. I hugged him and said, "De Hilmi, do not cry it will make mothers sad. There is still teh Hana, teh Nida and dad. A boy must be strong. " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes. Then I took her out of the room. We all have sincerity with the mother’s departure. I’m sure God loves my mother very much. I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven.

Our family for many years has experienced many strenuous temptations come up. But the year 2015 is a very hard year for me and my family because we lost the figure we love so much, the figure is so patient and strong.

Word count: 2.488

AIbEiAIAAABDCICc1N3RvJu-VCILdmNhcmRfcGhvdG8qKDNmZjI5MjNhZDQ1NjNmMDczYzg4MzU5YjA4ZTllODk2NDViZWM0ZjEwAQHEA0Jtf8lMsFHN1oBRY1ayyjI2?sz=32

Hana Rahmawati <hanarahmawati1933>

8:01 PM (10 minutes ago)
to koci798quza, Rima

January 2015

"Teh, in the neck of the mother there is a lump." Mother said while pressing a small lump around her neck.

"Where is the lump? Is it hurt? "

"On the left. It doesn’t hurt but mother is afraid, mother wants to check it to the doctor. "

"Tomorrow, mom should check it to the doctor. Don’t press the lump mom, I am scared that’s not usual lump. "

The next day, my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can’t detect what the disease is because the lump is small size. When the doctor checked it, the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain. The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth, whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy. Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor’s explanation, we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital, and her molar teeth revoked, after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth. It was so strange, so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth. Then, the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy. A few days later, my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection. When she arrived home after from the hospital, my mother instantly limp. Which made me want to cry, I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities. Mom could not talk, she just cried. Then I tried to ask her,

"Mom, what happened?" My sister and I asked her while holding her hand.

"hhh..hurt," she replied less clearly.

"Oh sorry mom sorry, you better sleep and rest."

Mother just shook her head slowly. Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth. My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do, we can’t bear to see her situation. We only sit beside our mother. Then I went to the next room, I saw my father was daydreaming. Maybe he can’t bear to see the mother with such circumstances, visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears. Honestly, my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen.

July 2015

At that time, it has been known what illness my mother was suffering. I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer. Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck. At that time, the mother’s appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed. No intake of food that causes her body weakened. At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung. The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food, and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape. The doctor said it’s one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer. Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note, maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously.

August 2015

This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable. Because I have to leave my family. At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran. I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line. But I’m afraid I still can’t rely on my sister who is still in junior high school. Without me, she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school. Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother’s medical expenses. My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother’s expensivemedical expenses. Fortunately, at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father’s brother.

When I went to Jatinangor, I was picked up by my friend. I left with my two friends escorted by her parents. When they picked me up after saying good-bye to my mother, one of my friends asked me,

"Na, what happened with your mother? Her body was very thin, her face was pale not as usual. "

"My mother is sick, Lina."

"HAH? What was your mother’s illness? Said my friend and my friend’s parents.

"Cancer" I replied briefly, I was afraid to cry.

Everyone fell silent and sobbing.

"It’s okay, I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God." "Aamiin" they said in unison. And then my friends hug me.

October 2015

Ever since I lived in Jatinangor, I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital. I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother. Our plan, my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta. But my mother’s circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey. While waiting for my mother’s rather strong state, my mother was taken care of at my grandmother’s house. All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother’s house, the mother of my father. Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother. After a week at my grandmother’s house, my mother’s body had shown good health. However, all of a sudden, mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah’s house. I already had a bad feeling at the time. But my dad thinks maybe mbahregrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her. Because mbah is always vicious to my mother, although she is her biological mother.

It turns out after a few days at mbah’s home, do not know why mom never want to eat, his body condition deteriorated. My mother’s family blamed my father, saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father. I do not know what else to do. Actually, I’m disgusted with them. From childhood, I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason. My mother always cried hugging me. I do not understand what’s on her minds, my good mother is always wrong in her eyes. But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah. Fortunately, as a child, my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather, the parents of her biological father. Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather, her mother and her four siblings do not care about it.

October, 2015

As always, I go back to Majalengka once a week. In late October, my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital. It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation. I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained, her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek, the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor, from the hole neck always out blood. My God, my feeling tells me that my mother’s age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal. I always hold back tears when I was with her all day. I’m afraid my mom is sad to see me crying. I always wait when maghrib time arrives, because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother. After the maghrib prayer, I can complain to God all my complaints.

It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother. Then they hugged her and held her hand. The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all. I ventured to talk to my mom. "Mom, this is de Hilmi and teh Nida, they said they missed you so much." Mom opened her eyes and smiled. My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us. Then mom said less clearly and stammered. "Teh, please take care of your siblings. Your college hopefully running smoothly. Mom is okay, mom already does not feel pain just don’t have to think about me. Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana." The three of us cry and continue to cry. "Please don’t talk like that mom, it makes teh Nida so sad, you must be sure you will recover." Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother’s hand. Actually, my mother’s body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand. My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients.

When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother’s words. He said that he didn’t feel any pain anymore. All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near. What if my mother really went away, I was scared. But I always try to strengthen myself, I must be sincere with the will of God. I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens.

November 2015

It was 6 o’clock on the morning of November 13, I had not yet woken up from my sleep because of the night I slept late to do the work and suddenly my roommate woke me because my dad called. With still semi-consciousness I lifted him.

"Teh, come home fast!" Said my father quickly.

My eyes widened in shock.

"What’s wrong, dad?" My feeling pointed directly at my mother.

"The doctor has told me to bring mom to go home immediately, he said if it is better to be directly taken care of at home."

I take a slow breath, immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready. With tears, I said goodbye to my friend. He hugged me and said, "It’s okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God’s will. You have to be strong. " I just nodded and smiled at her.

At about 9 am I arrived home, we immediately went to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital, I went straight to where place my mother. There’s also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother. I held my mother’s hand, I cried to see the situation. Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious.

"Mom, forgive me," I say softly.

When I say like that, my mother’s sister says "Hey where have you been?."

"I have college, I go home once a week."

"Halaahhh," she said, pouting me.

Really I was very emotional at the time. My family relationship was never good with my mother’s family. Since my mother was sick, they always told me to quit college. My mother told me not to be affected by them. They never help us in spite of the slightest effort. Suddenly they come and say things like that. I do not think it’s worth it. I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered. Usually, I can be patient and cry clandestinely, but for some reason, at that time I dare to against them. The people in the hospital saw us. I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration. My father already knew what made me cry, he just wiped my head. Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature. Then the doctor calmed me down, "Do not cry neng, do not be served those like that. Later they will get the karma. " I nodded and remained crying. Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying. My dad, my sister and me are holding mom in the car. I will not let go of my mother’s hand.

"Mom," My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there. Along the way, we all said "Allah..Allah..Allah" so that my mother followed us. Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short. Arriving at home, my mother was laid by my father in bed. At that time my mother had time to speak but only said "Thirsty". We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there. The big family has gathered, we all say "Allah..Allah..Allah" my mother still followed us.

Suddenly my mother fell asleep, for some reason I always pay attention to her breath, The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop. About half past 1 pm my mother died, we still didn’t believe it. We were crying but not sobbing. We apologized in her ear. I immediately hugged my siblings. Fortunately, my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions, he was crying but still calm. I pity his age is still 8 years. I hugged him and said, "De Hilmi, do not cry it will make mothers sad. There is still teh Hana, teh Nida and dad. A boy must be strong. " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes. Then I took her out of the room. We all have sincerity with the mother’s departure. I’m sure God loves my mother very much. I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven.

Our family for many years has experienced many strenuous temptations come up. But the year 2015 is a very hard year for me and my family because we lost the figure we love so much, the figure is so patient and strong.

Word count: 2.488

The Wall (Non-Fiction)

Dinia Sofia / 180410150018

4th February 2016.

It’s the day that I went to Dufan together with my community friends to celebrate the end the long holiday. I felt very happy because I could spend my last few weeks of holiday with my friends, including him.

Basically my life is just as cool as the summer breeze, nothing too depressing or too exciting before he came into my life. We were just someone who went to the same middle school and coincidently went to the same university. We never spoke before, we just said our hello. At first, I felt bad for him. He seems to be the kind of person who’s quiet and can’t really get along with anyone easily. So I thought, I should accompany him a little during those two events, because of the basis that we are from the same middle school, so I thought he could feel assured with me. So he did.

We never talk before, but everything changes when we went to Dufan. He showed me the other side of him, unexpectedly he gave me something I want all this time but never seem to think about wanting it badly.

He showed me that he cares for me; he held me like there’s no one around. He wanted to get to know me more. He wanted to take me to Trans Studio Bandung (because I never went there before); he asked me if I could keep his allowance so that he won’t spend it lavishly; he even asked me if I could meet his mother. He was like a prince in a white horse and shining armor.

I’m the type of person who is picky with any guys that tries to approach me. I always gave cold replies to them, but surprisingly not to him. Maybe it’s because the way he approaches me was different than anyone else, or maybe because I knew him, or maybe something else. He made me want to stop playing around with other guys and start to find something serious. He made me fell in love with him. He gave me something that no one has ever given to me: extra attention, the kind of attention that requires action and not just sweet words.

We shocked all of our friends. They thought that we had something way back before we went to Dufan. But little do they know, how can we be so close when I just started added his Line account in Dufan? They didn’t know that we never chatted before outside the community.

After Dufan, we got really close. He even went to Nangor to accompany me “Perwalian”. He made a surprise for me during my birthday. He sent me a cartoon drawing of us sitting and looking at the birthday cake right after he said goodbye and jumped out of my friend’s fences at 12 A.M.. Later that day in the afternoon, he unexpectedly went to my dorm and stand outside my door with cupcakes and candles.

He was sweet at first. He would go to me straight away when I told him it’s too late for me to go home by myself. He occasionally asked me to go out and have dinner with him and we would chat during dinner. Usually I’d be just sitting there and listen to what he would say. But one day, he asked me something that made me think 24/7; he asked me to take turns on telling our days. I think he felt like it’s always him that talks. His words made me think. Maybe he was right, I was caught up in the idea that it was okay for me to just listen to him and agrees to everything he had said. I was wrong.

After he said that to me, I was determined to tell him about what I had felt when I am with him, about how I wanted to start to talk about him with my parents, and started little by little tells him about my secrets. But back then I didn’t know that that was the last time I would go out and have dinner with him.

After that day, I felt like he was different. He never asked my day anymore, he never asked me to go out with him anymore, and he replied my text really late without even explaining why. I felt angry because of that, so one day I thought about giving him his medicine. But it only back fires me.

I thought that if I give him the same thing he gave me, he would reflect and made up with me. But I was so wrong. It gave him the opportunity to actually leave me for good. When I left him hanging with just reading his message, he didn’t look for me for days. I felt betrayed. I was supposed to be the one that is mad, but why does this person thought that it was okay for him to not contact me at all? He made me furious and sad at the same time. There is not a single day I wouldn’t feel blue and think about what I had done wrong to make him do this. I thought that I could hide it very well from other people, but I was also wrong.

All of my friends started to notice that I became different. They asked me what was wrong, and that is when I started to break down. I told them what happened, and they were as confused as I am. Ultimately, I asked two of my friends to help me out and asked him what he was up to. Why he left me hanging. And so they did.

I finally had the courage to ask him why. So he explained, but I felt even sadder when he had explained to me what his reason was. He told me he was sorry that he could no longer be with me. He felt that he was not ready to go even further with me; on top of that his recent ex-girlfriend of one year came back to him. He said that he doesn’t want to be with anyone at the moment.

I asked for an explanation and I got one. But I was till not satisfied with his explanation, I still hope for a better ending. I was hoping that we could go back to the way things were, just like in Dufan. But I’ve realized that you cannot always get what you want. So with that, the story of me and Hayden ended.

For days, weeks, months, I felt hurt; like a piece of me had crushed, a piece of me was missing. I cried myself out every night; didn’t feel like eating or even talking with anyone. I felt like I could no longer trust any guy. That is when I felt like the need to build a strong wall surrounding my heart, so that I could no longer get hurt over heartbreak.

The wall.

For me, this wall I had built is a barrier between me and any guy that tries to come close to my heart. Before I met Hayden, I also had that wall, but not as strong as this wall I built right after he said he can no longer be with me. I immediately built those walls and kept my distance, starting with him. I hide my true feelings, I tried to be okay by building those walls, but even I cannot lie to myself. At that time I felt numb, I don’t want to know what the feeling of being loved by someone anymore is. I don’t want to take any guy seriously; I wanted to go back to being the player I used to be, teasing guys without thinking of going further.

But even though I have said that our story ended; even though I’ve said that I had built a wall especially form him, for months I still hope that maybe there could still be “us”. Even though I knew he lied about not wanting to be with anyone right now, I saw that eventually he went back to his ex. Never do I have realized until that moment that I was just another girl that temporarily filled his empty broken heart. I never thought of our relationship thoroughly. Then I had promised myself, for every guy that ever tried to approach me, I won’t take it seriously. So I did kept my promise, for quite a few months, that is until Al came into my life and stirred me up.

He was one of my friends, the kind of friend that always teased each other. So never in my life I had ever felt the need to take him seriously; and the side of him that is so friendly with every one and even girls made me not wanting to think anything other than “just friends”. But like I said, he stirred me up; giving me mixed emotions, he had given me something that I think that no other normal “friends” gave to me: which was his extra time and attention, and it was something I never asked him for.

You see, he studied economics, which is in Dipatiukur; and I am in Jatinangor. But the thing is, he occasionally asked me to come and hang out with him in Bandung; but then I just replied him with a “no too lazy”. Why should I go to Bandung just to meet him? We’re not that close, and like I said before; I had built a wall so that any guy can’t come closer to my heart. I think he grew tired of waiting for me to say yes, so occasionally he went to Nangor and asked me to accompany him doing something, and so it’ll looked like he did not come to Nangor just for me. Eventually my close friend said that it was all just an excuse, he intentionally asked for something to do in Nangor from his “Hima” so that he could see me. So instead of me going to Bandung, it was always him going to Nangor. Until one day I felt bad for always saying no, but I still felt like I don’t know what were his attentions were back then.

You see. In my book, if a guy and a girl are close for more than just friends, but are not dating, they should contact each other daily. However, Al treated me like I’m his girl one day and his homey the next. He’ll be texting me like I’m only his friend. He didn’t text me daily, but he only texted me when he felt like he wanted to chat with me. But when we meet up, he treated me like I’m his girlfriend. He holds my hand, gets mad if I’m in my phone and not looking at him; cranky if I declined his offer to take me back to my dorm; jealous if I’m talking about other guys. The thing is, every time I had “accompanied” him in Nangor, he wouldn’t text me for days and suddenly texted me like nothing had happened.

The kind of feeling that he gave me, those mixed up feelings made my mind confused on figuring out what were his attentions were and it actually made me missed having him around. So with that I tried to break those walls of mine little by little. One day, he asked me again to come to Bandung, and I finally agreed.

It’s finally the day that I had agreed to go to Bandung to. I felt nervous because it was the first time I went to Bandung all by myself and not because I wanted to, because I was going to meet a guy.

I AM GOING TO BANDUNG JUST FOR A GUY THAT I’M NOT EVEN SURE OF!!

We decided that I should left Nangor at 12.00 p.m., but I felt like I shouldn’t be leaving before he asked me again if I’m already on the way or not. So he finally texted me at 1.30 p.m. and then I left. We didn’t text when I was on the bus, but I texted him when I was already near Dipatiukur. But he didn’t reply my texts, he didn’t answer all of my calls, and I started to feel upset.

Even when I had arrived in Dipatiukur he didn’t reply my texts or even answer all of my calls. For two hours I waited for him, TWO FREAKING HOURS. I got very upset so I went to PVJ all by myself. There’s a lot of traffic jams because it was Sunday, and it made me think about all of my decisions. Why did I agreed to go to Bandung? What if he was fooling me around? What if he was with another girl right now?

And so I arrived at PVJ two hours later. I’ve looked around for quite a while and finally at 7 p.m,. Al texted me saying that he overslept. Even though he finally bomb chatted me for like 100 times saying he’s sorry and asking me where I was, I still felt very upset. He didn’t know how much courage for me to go to Bandung for him and he overslept?

So after 200 chats and a gazillion missed calls, I sent him a picture of where I was without telling him where I was, and few moments later he arrived in PVJ. He finally found me in H&M and hugged me from the back. I was shock and shy because everyone stared at us, so I tried to pull out of the hug and after a few minutes I finally broke free. He apologizes for overslept, but I kept my silence and just raised my eyebrow. He apologized again and again but I didn’t answer him. Even when we ate, I kept laughing at something on my phone; even when we arrived at my dorm, I stormed off went inside my dorm.

For days, I didn’t text him and so did he. I think he got frustrated so the next week he went to Nangor to find me in my friend’s dorm and apologizes one more time. He told me he can’t sleep all night long, he can’t think, he can’t study all because of we didn’t made up. He didn’t want to lose me, and he said something that calmed me down; he knew my past with Hayden and assured me that he is not Hayden; he won’t go away without any notice, he won’t have any other girl, he will always have time for me. I was happy to hear that. So when he asked for us to make up and for me to be his, I finally said okay. My walls started to crumble brick by brick, and for the first time in a while I can finally say that I am happy.

Word Count: 2.492